I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize