You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
