I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We need to get me chipped asap
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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