the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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