everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
