i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
