I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
