My entire life is one complicated drinking game
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
