if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
