The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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