Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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