She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize