I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
