My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
