So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
