So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
