I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
