did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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