He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
