After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
