SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
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