So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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