Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
