you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
