I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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