I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
