just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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