Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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