I got chris browned last night
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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