my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Barsexuality is the new black.
love makes seman taste better
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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