someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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