Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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