I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
