you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize