you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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