ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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