She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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