Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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