I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
