people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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