why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
