did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
