I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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