i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
