my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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