My hand turned me down
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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