My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
