i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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