There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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