Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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