Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
