if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
