I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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