i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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