Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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