So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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