did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
