when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
