I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
