I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
