I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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